changing me, myself and i

2007-06-12T10:54:00.000+08:00

I hope you know,
I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry..

2007-06-08T10:20:00.000+08:00

ONE FINAL PAPER LEFT

YESSSSAARR!!!

Oh, don’t ask me why am I super hyper today. Ok fine, I should tell you why im so hyper lah ok. I have one, two, three and gosh, 4 new acne on my face. Today is my day at work some more. Wtf. Aiyoo. How to face customer like this?

On a much sweeter note, baby called last night. Woohoo. Luckily I didn’t sleep that early last night. If not, I won’t be able to talk to him. Phewww. Baby’s doing just fine there In tekong. He just shaved him hair, so haha, he’s officially a bald man. Kwang2. He told me that He’s bunk is just like a resort, with swimming pool, king size beds, air-conditioning and such . Kaoz. I may be dumb but im not like that ok? -___-

Haha. So yeah, overall he’s adapting well. Good for him then. As for me, I think im adapting well too. Trying to not think about him that much. Right now, I have much better stuffs to think about. Like how to get rid of my acne. Ahhhhhhh. Dots.

Oklah, I want to scrub my face with some “gosok periuk” right now. Bye.

2007-06-07T18:16:00.000+08:00

Love is not finding the perfect person,

but learning to love an imperfect person perfectly.

-anonymous

2007-06-07T16:00:00.000+08:00

It’s only been a few hours, but yet it seems he’s gone for years.

God.

I miss him so much.

:(

2007-06-05T09:47:00.000+08:00

When a girl cries,
it doesn't mean she's weak.
If a girl cries in front of you,
it means that she can't take it anymore.

If you take her hand,
she would stay with you for the rest of your life.
If you let her go,
she can't go back to being herself anymore.

A girl won't cry easily,
except in front of the person whom she loves the most,
when she becomes weak.
A girl won't cry easily,
it's only when she loves you the most,
that she puts down her ego.

If a girl cries becauseof you,
please hold her hands firmly,
because she's the one who
is willing to stay with you for the rest of your life.

If a girl cries because of you,
please don't give her up, if you love her.
Maybe because of your decision, you will ruin her life.

When she cries right in front of you,
when she cries because of you,
Look into her eyes, can you see and feel the pain and hurt she's feeling
Think, which other girl has cried with pure sincerity,
in front of you,
AND because of you?

She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not because she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries, because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain, hurt and agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside

Do consider it, because one day, it may be too late for regrets.
It may be too late to say "I'm Sorry".
Don't always think you are right all the time.
Think carefully, everyone has a responsible for everything that they do.
She may have done wrong.
Who doesn't?
But who made her commit that mistake?

A girl always needs protection,
A girl always need care,
A girl always need someone beside her to comfort her when she's sad.
A girl always need support when she's down.

All these needs are to come from the guy that she loves,
and not from friends who have always been beside her.

Look at all that she has done for you with your heart.
Look at how much tears she sheds for you,
Look at how the way she tries not to show her troubles and unhappiness,
Just not to affect you and spoil your day.

But have you ever understood how hard they are struggling,
just to give you a smile?
Treasure that girl who really loves you,
And you really love.

Before she really leave you,
Before she really decides not to look back,
Before she really gives up.

You can't blame her,
because you are the one who is driving her out of your life.

2007-06-04T19:05:00.001+08:00

Just finished watching massacre of the Nepalese royal family on discovery channel. How the prince, killed all 13 members of the royal families, parents included, just because his family objects his love. BLOODS and massive shootings, leaves me shaken soon after.

Erk.

Curiousity definitely kills the cat.

-_-“””””

2007-06-03T11:42:00.000+08:00

Maybe I’m too attached to him. Too attached that letting go of him, seems to be a near to impossible task. The moment we initiate a break up, I felt lost right that instance. For some reason, the world seems to crumble down. I can’t breathe, I can’t speak. I can’t even stand, as in literally stand. Yes, that’s how weak I was yesterday. Just when I thought I’m the only one who felt this sudden surge of emotions, he too felt the same way.

Is this love?
Or is this still call as puppy love?
Is this a mere infatuation?
Or is it truly white love?

Well I sure do hope that what the both of us are going through is love.
Cause’ if this ain’t love, I wonder what love really is.

Keep breathing' Cause I'm not leaving you anymore..

2007-06-02T12:38:00.001+08:00

Let me ask time has passed

Do you feel this could last

If you don’t, why then stay

Take your wings, fly away

I love you way too much

To wanna be the one who brings you down

You were my strength, my life, my everything. You pulled me back when m falling. You give me hopes when everything starts to fail. You showered me with your undying love and fatal sweet promises. Promises that we will, in five years build a family we both been craving for the past 18 and 21 years of life. We already promised each other that, whatever happens in near future, we will remain intact. We’ll be together thru and thick. These promises seem to be really beautiful and big then, but its becoming scarily too big for me now. They’re overshadowing my own shadow.

You said I contribute little to this relationship.
You’re the one whose been showering this relationship with butterflies, whereas for me, I did nothing but just sit there and adore those butterflies. I did little to help you breed those butterflies.

Maybe you’re right.

I never did enough for this relationship.

I did little to help make this relationship possible.

I thought I already did something big for this relationship. I forced myself to let go of the past. I forced myself to delete off the dark silhouettes of both Haiqal and Elias in my mind. I forced myself to forget all those sweet memories I once shared with them. God knows how much it takes for me to withstand all those pains. But I still forced myself to do that. I did it all for you. Not for me, Han. If I’ve had it my way, I would prefer to cling on to the past. Because that’s the only way for me to be connected to the one I used to love. But no, I forced myself to let it go because I don’t want to further kill this relationship. I don’t want to hurt this relationship anymore. I don’t want to kill your heart. I love you too much to hurt you anymore..

You might not understand what I’m trying to say now, but soon baby, soon you will get a taste of what i feel back then. Now that you’ve already have a past, with me in it, try forcing yourself to let it go. Try forcing yourself to let go of your feelings towards me, baby. You will feel the pain I felt months ago.

For not showing enough love to you, I’m truly sorry for it. I’m not a affectionate person to start off with. I rarely show my affections. I rarely show my feelings. But when I’m with you, I thoroughly let my guards down. I never hugged others as much as I hugged you before. I never feel people like I feel you before. I NEVER LOVE PEOPLE AS MUCH I LOVE YOU NOW.

I’ve given you my everything. But still, you failed to recognize that. I tried showering with love, but you failed to feel it.

About that dressing issue, it’s just a minor need from me. I just want you to look good, Han. Often, you dress as if you have no means to impress me. Sometimes I cant help it but to compare you with others. Why can’t you be as neat as them? Often I see bfs dressing up for their gfs. Be it casually or formally. They look as if they really put in efforts to impress their gfs. Why cant you do the same han? Afterall,I (used to) be ure gf, han. I love you for who you are. But sometimes, you cant just take it for granted and let yourself go completely. I still have my needs han.

After what’s been said and done, I’ve made my conclusion by telling myself that I will never be good enough for you. I love you, but if my love will never be good enough for you, I think its best if you just let me go. Go find someone else who can love you more than I do. Go find someone who will love you unselfishly. Go find someone who won’t hurt you as much as I do, baby. You deserve someone much better than me.
Much better than me.

So with that, I guess now it’s the time for me to take my leave. As of now, I will make myself disappear. Disappear from your eyes. Disappear from your life.

if you ever happen to come across me one fine day, I will really appreciate it you acknowledge my presence.

But promise me baby, never look at me in the eyes ever again. Eyes can never lie. Thus I don’t want you to see the love I still have for you.
Never hold my hands cause’ I’m afraid that you will feel me trembling.
Never hug me again, cause’ I don’t want you to feel how cold I’ve become.
Never touch my heart, cause’ I don’t want you to feel how hard it has become.

Nothing last forever. Games is in your blood. Love is in your heart..

Edit// Without you in my life, I can never be strong again. I don’t want to let you go, baby. I love you. I really do. If you’re willing to take me back, I’ll promise I’ll change. I will love more than ever. I will hug you as often I can. I will do whatever it takes to win you back.

2007-05-29T21:00:00.001+08:00

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss..

2007-05-27T14:07:00.001+08:00

Walking into a guy’s toilet instead of the girl’s unintentionally might sound hysterically funny.

But it’s not that funny to me. Well fine, it’s embarrassingly funny to me. It’s especially embarrassing to me when your bf happens to be standing just a mere watching distant away from you. Ahhhhh. I swear I was blushing furiously whist I was in the toilet yesterday. Malu takleh angkat seh. Han’s laughter wasn’t a big help at all. Right after I stepped out of the toilet, I could hear han laughing at me. ahhhh. Thanks eh yang. I really felt like digging a hole right where I’m standing, and then hide there for the rest of my life. Then later, I found out that a makcik saw the whole incident. WA KAOZ..Now I really feel like hiding muself -_-“”

On a much contradicting note, walking in to a guy’s toilet despite seeing that “Gents” sign clearly stated beside it is not a good thing. At all. It really shows how much I have lost myself lately. My mind was too caught with stuffs that I failed to see the direction that I’m going

Trust me, this will not be the first nor will it be the last time I’ve lost my ability to stay attentive. As both me and Han always says, “more to come”. There will be more of the embarrassing bloopers. My source of attentiveness and strength is fading drastically.

There are just too many things on my mind right now. So much that it feels like the world is weighing its burden on me. Sometimes, I can’t help it but to be amazed by myself. How in the world did I manage to make it through al this while? Perhaps I’m way stronger than I thought I will be.

And han, if you’re reading this. Thanks for the fun we had yesterday. Its only the beginning of our 8 mths together. But somehow it feels like the ending.. Whatever it is, thanks again for being there for me all this while. Attending to all my needs and wants, without asking anything in return. Thanks for making me feel whole once again.

For the hurt which I have ever intentionally/ unintentionally cause you, I’m really sorry. Looking back in time, I should have spent more time loving you rather than fighting with you. I should have spent more time clinging on to you rather than spending my time clinging on to my past love. Its true when they say, you will treasure the love more when it’s gone. Now that the chance of us being together is near to nil, I finally have the urge to treasure you more than ever. You’ve been the best thing that has happened to me. I don’t want to let you go. Not now. Not ever.

If one day, I have to leave this relationship, just know that it’s never in my intention to walk away from this relationship. Whatever happens, it happens for reason. I know that it’s not going to be easy for the both of us. But we have to force ourselves to move on. With your sense of humor and soft heart, you will find a replacement in no time.
Last but not least, I wanted to tell you this yesterday. But it slips off my mind. The reason to why I turned away from you in the MRT yesterday was mainly because I don’t want you too see my tears. I know that, just by looking at my eyes, you can read my feelings and thoughts. I don’t want to see my sadness, thus that’s why I turned away from you. don’t take me wrong, your presence is still needed by me. It’s just that for once, I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to take control both my life and emotions, by myself. So don’t take it the wrong way k? I still love you.

2007-05-24T09:56:00.000+08:00

why does tonight, have to end?

why don't we hit restart,and pause it at our favorite parts.

we'll skip the goodbyes.i

f i had it my way

,i'd turn the car around and runaway

,just you and i..

2007-05-22T20:58:00.001+08:00

So much to say, so little time.

A decent update soon, I promise :)

2007-05-22T20:56:00.000+08:00

I hate it when my body starts to tremble. It makes me feel weak all over

2007-05-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

Hold me tight and whisper sweet words of reassurance.
Cause’ when the whole world come crushing down,

I just need you close, baby.

2007-05-18T23:35:00.001+08:00

I’ve changed my blog url, yet again. The reason to why I’m doing all this, it’s too complicated to say it all here. So let’s just say, I want to stay discreet for now. Make myself disappear.

Life has been pretty hectic lately. Quizzes are just around the corner, and I am seriously beginning to doubt my ability to make it through this semester. No, I’m not kidding. I’m having difficulties understanding each and every subject thought in school. I’ve been trying to pay attention in lectures/ tutorials; but yet I still can’t understand a single thing. Especially E-maths. Kaoz. Seriously eh. All these numbers and formulas are making my head crazy. And the JAVA shits taught at school are seriously not helping me at all. Tell me lah, how to pass like that?

Personal life wise, I’m still not doing to good right now. If words can kill, I will already be dead right now. Farhan aside, I really am alone in this world. Other than him, I have no other people to cling on to when I’m down to my last teardrop. I have friends, lots of them but none can fulfill my criteria of being a true friend. Definition of a true friend, I don’t quite know myself. But in my own perception, a true friend is a friend who won’t just come to you in times of need. She should also find you in when she’s exhilarated with the state of life she is right now. In simple terms, I lack of friends who can just be there for you in both happy and sad times.

And then due to some circumstances, I had to cut off all ties with elias, my ex best friend. Sad at first but nonchalant, the next. I have no reason to be sad nor guilty now, cause I know it’s for the best, I don’t want anything to get in the way of my relationship with han. Especially now, we have really limited time together. I just want to make best of the time we have now, even if it’s only for a short while.

On brighter side, I just found myself a job. I’m so glad cause’ I finally have a decent reason to stay away from home as much as I can. Evil I know, but that’s what I’ve been feeling lately. But who cares, I found finally found my a job. Yessar. Cant wait for Friday to come =)

2007-05-16T20:24:00.000+08:00

You're gonna hate me

when I tell you everything

You're gonna question

whether you really know me at all

You will revisit every smile,

and where it fit into the day

I know this is how it will play

And I try, oh I try to think of all the things

That I could do to let you know that I love

Even so

I was not looking to do you wrong

Was not looking for a change of scenery

Don't remember where, or when, or how I did

But I'm hoping you'll forgive me
And I try, oh I try to think of all the things

That I could do to let you know that I love you

Oh I try, I try so very hard

And I cry, I cry so very much

For I love you like you'll never let yourself feel again

I love you like a brother and a friend

I love you with my whole heart until it bends

I love you like a lover until the very end...

2007-05-15T19:53:00.001+08:00

School was pretty mundane and err sweaty today. Something is seriously wrong with the weather. It’s been rather unpredictable these few days. Heavy thunderstorm at one time, humid and heat the next. It’s not a big help when my face is getting super oily now. And great, my acne is popping out, yet again. Bluergh.

So as I was saying, school was pretty mundane just now. I skipped two lectures, excluding French. The reason to that: I wanted to do some last minute revisions for my telepriniciples quiz, which I think ican barely made it. pfft. Within these two hours of break, I managed to get an hour worth of sleep. Yes sleep. I intended to study actually, but my eyes can barely open.Eating my medicines before school starts is seriously not a good idea. I ended up stoning and yawning throughout the lesson. Definetely not a good idea. Then I woke up just in time, to see hafiz (not that hafiidz) staring and laughing at me. He wanted to scare me actually, but fails to do so, cause lucky for me, I woke up just in time. Kwang2.

Then after school ended, I met up with the nadi-ans for a short meeting. Lol. I have no idea why, but Azm has been calling us, the juniors, kambengs. Haha. Me and kambeng ader close resemblance eh? Haha. Azm2. The meeting was supposed to end just in time for my French lecture, but we got lost of track of time. So I forego the idea of going to French lect.

So yep, that’s how my day went. Pretty mundane and draggy. I bet tomorrow will be a better day cause woots, I m meeting my brothers tom. It’s been days since I last met Jup and co. I really cant wait to meet them =)

I knew it all along, babe. I knew it all along..

2007-05-14T09:16:00.000+08:00

Take my hand,
touch my face
Let me feel your embrace
Let me see in your eyes
That you won’t say goodbye
Just tell me how you feel
I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore...

Chorus:

And if you need me, you’d kiss me
Then tell me how you feel

And if you want me,
you’d show me
That your love is for real

And if you love me
You’d hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I’m feeling strong
I sing you one last song...

Let me ask time has passed
Do you feel this could last
If you don’t, why then stay
Take your wings, fly away
I love you way too much
To wanna be the one who brings you down...

One last song I sing for you
Like I always did
This time it’s for real
I never come to you like this
Expecting you to turn my kiss
Oh no no no no no...

Chorus.

2007-05-14T09:07:00.000+08:00

If you love someone...

you should let them go..

And if they are meant for you,

they will come back to you…

As much as I hate to say this, I can feel that the end is coming near. And no, it’s not because of fading love. Neither it’s because of changing love.
If only things is as easy as that.

Haiz.

I feel like crying right now. But I can’t. Tears are a sign of weakness to my family. I’m not weak; I am much stronger than this. I’m strong, right baby?

2007-05-12T21:41:00.001+08:00

Why does tonight have to end?
Why dont we hit restart
And pause it at our favorite parts
We'll skip the goodbyes....

If I had it my way
I'd turn the car around
And run away
Just you and I..

Just you and i…..

2007-05-11T22:08:00.000+08:00

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve had enough of all this shit at home. All these vulgarities and consistent untrue remarks specially said by you, I’ve seriously had enough. I can’t continue on with this pretence. I can’t continue on keeping mum, while you keep on hurling vulgarities at me. You said you knew what I’ve been up to all this while, but trust me mum; you seriously know nothing about me. Throughout my seventeen years of living here in this world, we never ever have a mum-daughter chat before. Never once have I heard you say “I love you”. Never once have I felt you hug me and say words of reassurance each time I’m down.

Instead, you’ve been constantly nagging at me. You consistently scold me for not being the “perfect daughter” for you. You compared me with my supposingly perfect cousins. If you know them really well mum, they’re not even close to being perfect. For goodness sake, most of them are in ITE right now. Cause’ why?. They’ve been slacking all this while, and ourh, how many siblings do they have again? One? Two? Or at the most, three? How many siblings to I have again? Haiz.

I tried getting close to you, mum. Each time when you’re alone, without my siblings crowding around you, I tried talking to you. Be it on random stuffs or on my life at school. But no mum, instead of talking to me, you preferred sleeping or busy smsing my sister, to quickly go home. I really feel my neglected, mum. I feel so lost and unloved.

You furiously went against me when I told you that I now have a boyfriend. You’re indirectly, been telling me that I’m being a disgrace to both the family and the people around us. You keep on comparing me to the bitches you often see in SEKSA and hanyut. You know those b*****S who often get themselves pregnant out of wedlock. For goodness sake mum, I’m not even close to being like them. t I still have my faith and love for GOD. Besides, I don’t want to do anything to bring down our family’s name. I love you too much to do that, mum.

You’ve always been too busy taking care of your 5 other children that you’ve forgotten all about me. You never really care, mum. All this while, I’ve been craving for your love, your attention, your tender loving and care. What I want, I can never get it from you.

I finally know the feeling of being love, soon after I met Farhan. As much I hate to say this, I feel more needed and loved when I’m with him. He consoles me when I’m down. He was/ is there when I’ve lost my direction in life. Simply put, he was there for me all this while. I love him more than I love myself, mum.

I desperately want to feel the same when I’m with you. I want to love and be love by you mum. I want your hugs. I want your motherly kiss. I want to hear your sweet loving words. Not your vulgarities and hurtful remarks, mum.

Sigh

Silence means ignorance.

I really have no say right now. I’m too tired and drained to even say anything. All I can say is that Im in desperate need of a job right now before I totally break down and lose myself, I need to stay away from this house as much as possible. Even if it means I have to immerse myself with late night works and unruly hours of studying. Haiz.

Jup and co. I know you’re reading this right now. I’m sorry for not keeping our promise. Its not that I don’t want to spent my time with you guys, I really miss our craziness and randomness. So sorry you guys. I promise I’ll find sometime for us.

Sigh…

2007-05-10T22:42:00.001+08:00

Remember how we laughed

Until we cried

At the most stupid things

Like we were so high

But love was all that we were on

We belong..

Remember those days yang, when we used to laugh so hard, that we actually cried? Back then, even the tiniest and the lamest joke will get us into fits of laughter. There’s never a day gone by, without laughter and each other’s act of silliness.

I still remember the day you imitate the “dancing” uncle, you know the one we often see exercising at our favorite hang out place. I thought the way that uncle exercise was funny. But hell I was so wrong. Seeing you imitate him is way even funnier. I was laughing so hard that I actually fell off the bench. That Spongebob dance. Hahaha. So cute. Heh.I’m having visions of you imitating that uncle right now. Just thinking about it now, makes me smile.

Can’t wait to meet up with you, love. God knows, how much I miss you.

2007-05-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

Baby’s crying right now.
Im crying too.

Why the world is so against us?

;’(

2007-05-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows

Just why we're here

Could it be fate

Or random circumstance

At the right place

At the right time

Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired

To meld our lives

To make us

Fuel and fire

Then know

Where ever you will be

So too shall i be

Close your eyes

Dry your tears

'coz when nothing seems clear

You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight

Of your doubts and fears

Weary heart

You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed

Until we cried

At the most stupid things

Like we were so high

But love was all that we were on

We belong

And though the world would

Never understand

This unlikely union

And why it still stands

Someday we will be set free.

Pray and believe

When the light disappears

And when this world's insincere

You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream

I'll scream with you

You'll be safe here...

I need you close, baby

2007-05-06T14:37:00.001+08:00

Haven’t been updating this blog for quite awhile now. My laptop was under servicing for the whole of two weeks. The after I got back my laptop, I still can’t use it because apparently there’s something wrong wit h my wireless connection. Now the only way for me to go online is through my home computer, which I have to “fight” with my 5 other siblings before I get to use it. They usually won

School is a whole new thing for me. New course. New class. New classmates. New everything. I’m no longer an ETCM student ya’know, I’m now a telecommunication student. Cheh cheh. But seriously eh, I really have no idea what this telecom course is all about. What I currently know is that it’s full of Java, tedious engineering maths and of course, electronics. Bleargh. Unlike last year, I now have trouble keeping up with the lectures. No matter how much I try to understand the lectures, I just can’t seem to get it. Stone giler seh. Haha.

Lessons aside, I made quite a number of new friends in school. Namely Shi yun, Jasline and Rashidah. Shi Yun and Jasline, co-incidentally happens to be Liyana’s friend. So I somehow got to know them through Liyana. Whereas for Shidah, I got to know her myself. They’re really a cool bunch of people. Especially Shidah, who often cracks me up with her witty and very much lame jokes. Hahaha. And ourh, what’s even better is that she’s in the same CCA as me. She’s my silat partner, and she just joins NADI. Woots. So school isn’t that bad after all.

Then again, these few days have been rather bleak for me. Few things have been happening lately. I can’t seem to breathe in my own house, cause’ my parents are not making life any easier for me. Instead of letting me have my fair share of fresh air, they instead, are choking me up with their newly found theory of life. No love unless you’re married, that’s their theory of the year.

This in a way is affecting my relationship with my Han. I am fully aware that I’m not giving him my fullest love right now. I can tell that neither is he. Maybe its because of the situation that ~~we’re~~ I’m in right now. Or maybe, just maybe, the love we used to feel back then is no longer there. Simply put its fading. Haiz. I really don’t know what’s happening to us right now. Do you, Han?

2007-05-02T19:58:00.000+08:00

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go

will you won't you, be the one i always know

when i'm losing my control, the city spins around

you're the only one who knows, you slow it down....

just keep hoding on....

2007-04-28T15:20:00.000+08:00

Your choice.
Your life.
I couldnt care less.

- to whomever it may concern.

2007-04-23T21:54:00.000+08:00

You treat me like a rose

You give me room to grow

You shone the light of love on me

And gave me air so I can breathe

You open doors that close In a world where anything goes

You give me strength so I stand tall

Within this bed of earth Just like a rose

A night under the stars is just what I need to start off this week. Thanks love, for watching the dawn with me. I promise I will cherish and savor every moment of it. Sweet dreams to all.

2007-04-22T14:32:00.000+08:00

*slumps down and sigh.

Something is really bugging me right now.

And no, this time is not about you, you , you , or you.

This time its about me.

God, I need a psychiatrist.

2007-04-19T17:45:00.001+08:00

You know. No matter how much we try to run away from reality, reality will ALWAYS catch up with you. Ironic but true.

I’ve been trying to run away for far too long. These past few months, I’ve been refraining myself from thinking about it. I’ve been trying to keep my eyes from looking at guys wearing green- mcm- polka dots- tapi- bukan- polka- dots uniform at all. Cause I know that someday, somehow, I’m going to see that uniform very often…..

Aiyaaaa…

That NS letter come liao. In approximately 2 months time, my beloved will be heading down to tekong to err, fight against the mosquito? Ahhh. I’m seriously freaking out right now. I can’t stand being away for him one day, let alone 3 months. Tell me lah, ow to make it like this?

And my timetable is seriously not helping me at all.

~There’s lecture every single day
~There’s lots and lots of labs.
~Wednesday is the only day that I can wear not covered shoes to school.
~My timetable totally clashed with Hafiidz’s, this means that except for APEL, I can’t see him at all. Alahh.
~ I have TELAP lab. Telap? What in the world is that? Terlap?
~ School starts at 10 for both Monday and Tuesday.
~ And ends at 7 on tuesday -___________-“
~ Bahiyyah’s timetable also clashed with mine. Alaaaahhhh
~ And I French as my cds.

French? Oieeee. I want freehand drawing lah dey. Or worse come to worse, arts appreciation. But French? FRENCH?. Ding dong bell betol lah. The world is like so against me now. First NS, then timetable. now cds. Kaoz. Dah uh. I’m gonna kill myself now. Overdose myself with panadol or what. Goodbye cruel world.

And to you, haiz; just come find me whenever you need me. I give up already.

2007-04-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

You May Say I'm A Dreamer

But I'm Not The Only One..

2007-04-17T22:36:00.000+08:00

Han took his day off from work today, just to spend the whole day with me. It’s really sweet of him to go to this extend, cause’ its not like everyday I can spend a whole day with him. Thanks yang =)

So yep, met with him early and then went straight to funan to repair my spoilt laptop. A really short trip there, then we made our way to TTS hospital to buy his medicines. While waiting for him to get his queue ticket, I sat at one of the seats at the pharmacy there watchin him in a far distance. Sadness suddenly overcomes me. Seeing him there at pharmacy, queuing for his only source of life (his asthma medicines), I can’t help it to feel really sad. My dad suffers from asthma too. Every morning, he needs to have his puffs of ventolin (sp?) before going to work. It’s becoming an avid routine for him. Without the puffs, it’s for sure that he will get symptoms of asthma. Loud coughing and constant short of breathe. Trust me, though I’m not that close to my dad, I still feel sad for him. He’s my dad afterall, I don’t want him to go just yet.

And now Han, just like my dad, he needs his daily puffs of ventolin(sp?) in order to make it through yet another day. Sigh. First my dad, now him. I really can’t bear it if anything happens to Han. Especially just now, after buying his medicines, he jokingly told me that “ Now I have 2 more years to live”. Ahhh. Somehow, for the first time in our r/s, I find his joke NOT funny at all. I really don’t want to lose him. Not now. Not ever. With the help of modern technologies and lots and lotsa of swimming, you’re gonna live till your prime age ok?

Sigh.

After reassuring me by telling me that he’s going live to see his grand children, I loosen up a bit and then we head down to PS to watch Meet the Robinson.- very cute and very very motivational story. A quick ~~gelato~~ gelare waffles next before we had to go home. ok fine. I HAD to go home. I need to report home by 7, you see. Bleargh.

Though there’s a bit of a spoiler at the end of the day, it was all worth it. Thanks baby for everything. Sarcasm or no sarcasm, I love you still.

EDIT//: fishead lah. SEKSA is on tv right now. fcuk fcuk. my parents watching it right now.

2007-04-15T23:38:00.000+08:00

MINE..

SCORPIO WOMAN

A simple woman who always show what kind of a moods she is in. You can tell right way if she up set, or if she is flirting with you. She displays herself with her act much more than trying to say it for it's in her character.

A Scorpio woman has her own mysterious personality. She is confident and deep down inside she is quite proud of herself. She hates to think she i s borne a woman and so limiting her with a certain social acceptable rules.

She is a real woman and despite her innocent and childish looks, she has a spirit of free soul. Many men will make mistake if they think she is a good follower, they are wrong. She thinks being a plain simple housewife is boring. She likes to have power and control over other people, but this will be only her secret, so you will only see a cute woman. Every things she does will look good, and she has all the woman's trick you can think of.

She can manipulate men without they knowing it. If you think she going to do everything you say because she loves you, then you will be disappointed. She could be a little tomboyish and she can understand you by just looking in your eyes. You may say sweet words which could sweep any woman, but not with the Scorpio woman. She will use her X-ray eyes reading your thought of what you just said or what you ar e going to say. She always smile and she can really hide her feeling.

She will constantly show you that she loves freedom. If she has freedom, she will not leave you, but will even love you more. If she wants something, she will do everything to get it. She has her own sixth sense of people and you can feel that energy feed back when you around her. She likes a man who can earn her respect, and she will also respect and feel proud of that man. A man with power over her should not threat or challenge her confident.

She likes to have a good looking , strong and healthy man especially if she start to compare with her friends' boyfriends. It is a plus if he hold a degree or a good career. She is a hot lady. She likes heavy music. She either loves or hates, there are no "fond of", or "like" for her. Love has no "may be", or "perhaps". If she is real mad, she will trash and throw things. Her wind storm can sweep all her dishes and you could get accidentally hit on your head for this matter. Be calm, it is just your grand mother favorite china for she has good quality as much as her bad tempered.

Sometimes she shows her weakness, but it won't be long. She will put herself together and back to be that hot chili again. If she loves you, it will be no matter what other people may say. Her relationship will be more important than what is right or wrong. Because of this reason, you may know some Scorpio woman become a second wife, a mistress.

She is spoil, but she allows her love one to over power her. Dating this woman, you should not keep old love letters in your pocket or in your house. It could be a love letter 2 years ago, but never mind she will argue about this since this is a big deal for a suspicious woman. Remember she has a temper of the shrew. If you play a cold war with her, she will treat you likewise and double it. If you stood her up once, she will stood you up 2-3 times.

She is quite fair in justice, so she can accept your apologies as much as she can pretend to accept things for now and wait for a pay back revenge in the future. If you are nice to hear, she will double that to you as well. A real fair woman. She likes to make and spent money. She likes to have fame and reputations, and never let herself broke and have no name at the same time. She is too proud and will not accept status of being "Poor".

She loves to have face, so if you are a manager with small salary, she will be proud more than more money being a truck driver. She hates to think and she can not stand a feeling of being a "Nobody". If you like her, play a little hard to get. This will excite her a bit. When you go out on a date, set your schedule, but do not let she knows that you have planned this for weeks. Always go to pick her up on time or better to go 5-10 minutes early.

HIS.

LIBRA MAN

A man who has no balance like his Zodiac symbol. He is not the gentle, cool , calm and charming guy like what you see. He has another dark side of aggression, stubborn and he likes to start an argument the most. Sometimes he can be so depress and unstable. Up and down like he is trying to balance himself most of the time.

To many people, he is a friendly guy and always smile even when he is mad or up set. His voice always gentle and calm. he always set and comb his hair as if he comes out from a shampoo advertisement. Mostly Libra men are good looking, even the ugly one is charming. When he smiles, it is so bright that the whole world is smiling with him too.

When he is in a balance mood, he is the type of person you want to be with. In other unbalancing mood, he likes to make people argue about som ething and watching it with fascination and fun. He will wait to be the one who compromise and clear thing up. He likes to be in a conflicting conversation.

Libra man is lazy by nature. After his tired day at work, he likes to sit still and just look out of the window or read quietly. He likes to be in his own world. After recharging his battery, he will be very energetic again and may even take you out that night.

Libra man normally will not do any shocking or abnormal things to be noticed. He likes to be conformed with his crowd, but if you watch him carefully, you will see the different. If he wear a shirt, it will have to be a zipper front instead of buttons, or a special tie bar. There is always something in him that he will not allow totally conformity to take him over.

A straight forward , no non-sense guy. He is careful and delicate in details. He will spent extra time to doing it right, than comes back to cor rect them later. He hates people who boost, or exaggerate. He does not like over dressed woman or make herself a center of an attention.

He will has his own way to win a girl love and affection. Once she says yes, he will lay back and wonder if he should go on or if he should back out. In his teen, he changed many girl friends because he can not clearly separate loving a friend and loving a girl friend. He will check and re-cheek if his match is suitable and compatible with him. Even he is a romantic man, he can hardly understand the emotion of the one he loves.

He is a generous guy even he sets his life so systematically. He never knows when he makes you unhappy. He never knows how he up set you. He will never knows what he said wrong. If he is your lover, be prepare for this.

A not so pretty girl with no brain is not his type of woman. If you are not pretty enough, he will not mind talking to you but he does not care to get to know you. Any girls, pretty or ugly can ask for his help, he will be happy to help. He hates to argue by yelling at each other, so you tend to see he argue with his girl friend seriously but try at best to be very quiet.

He likes to have a girl friend by getting to know each other like a friend first. If you want him, you have to like the same thing he does. He prefers a pretty and gentle woman than a smart and ugly woman. You have to understand his mood especially he can has many different moods. He is a private person, so when he needs to be alone better let him be.

2007-04-15T22:46:00.000+08:00

Trust.

Belief.

Faith.

Love.

Its fading.

But at the same time its about to reach its peak.

Haiz.

Contradictions, fatal contradictions.

On another note, yesterday was Haiqal’s bdae and yet, I refused to wish him anything. I really don’t want to intrude his current life. Besides, I doubt my so called bdae wish will be acknowledge by him, cause its for sure that there will be lots of other girls wishing him a happy 18th bdae. Yah yah. Don’t care don’t bother.

2007-04-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

its all about giving in and taking in little.

Sigh~

2007-04-11T12:49:00.000+08:00

I've watched you on your good days when
I feel your strength renewed;
But shortly after little ups,
The down days then ensue.

We ride this roller-coaster of
Emotions as we try,
To make it through another day,
And yet, I can't deny ...

That as I look into your face
On days that have been bad,
I see a look that beckons me
It's tired, and hurt, and sad.

The little spark I used to see
Behind those loving eyes,
Is growing ever clouded
By life's cruel inhumane side.

I try to see beyond the pain
You feel with every step;

And softly whisper to myself
This may get better yet.

For letting go is harder for

The person left behind;
It means that if I let you go,
I cannot turn back time.

But now the lights are darkening ...
We take it daily now;
I cannot see our futures clear
Or think beyond this cloud.
:

:
This poem is not written by me, but it somehow reflects what the both of us are going through right now. Sigh. All I can say for now is that, Im clinging on to the last piece of hope that is rapidly fading in us.

2007-04-09T20:38:00.000+08:00

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one I'll always love

You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions

You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can

But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

2007-04-09T01:05:00.001+08:00

Pardon my previous post. I just had an intensive quarrel with my mum yesterday. And yes, as you can read from my previous post, my mum doesn’t approve of my relationship with Farhan. She’s been pestering me to let go of him, insisting that I’m better off with someone else (till now, I still have no idea what she meant by that) and that Han is not the one for me. I have no idea why is she so against him. It’s not like as if she have met him or what. Well she might have met him once, during Hari Raya, but at that point of time, she doesn’t even know that Farhan is my bf. So it’s not counted right?

Sigh I really don’t know lah. I guess mothers know what’s best for their child. But then again, as a mother, they have to give their children her full support. No matter how much she’s against their children’s choice of life, they HAVE to give them their support. After all, they are her own flesh and blood. She can’t possibly go against them right?

Sigh.

As for Farhan, I really can’t let go him. 6 months. It only took us six months to realize that we are our each other’s back bones. I really can’t do without him. Back then, I used to say that Haiqal was my life. And that I can never do without him. I was so wrong.. My past relationship was never about me. It’s only about him and the world that revolves around him. My relationship with Han now is off a different note. A much sweeter note. This relationship is not only about him, neither it’s only about me. It’s about us on the whole. I’ve learnt so much from this relationship, and trust me, I still have a lot to learn.

Sigh.

Right now, I’m really trying to be strong for us. I’m emotionally hurt right now, but I can’t afford to breakdown just yet. Not now at least. Han needs all the strength he can get out of me. He needs me now. Both emotionally and physically. I can’t do much. At the least, I can give him comfort hugs and words of reassurance to make things better. It’s not much, but it’s the least I can do. If only I can meet him as often as we do a few months ago. He wont have to suffer as much.

Sigh.

I really should stop sighing seh. It really demoralizing. But you know, apart from all this, things are actually not that bad. I have friends who actually care for me and woots, Han just passed his driving. I’m so proud of him. My dearest bf finally gets his license. Yessar. Now can go round2 Singapore like nobody’s business. But then again, what’s the use of license if there is now car. Chet. Dream on lah Rad. Haha.

2007-04-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

I cant do this anymore.

I really cant.

I love you too much, to let you go.

I don’t want to.

But my mum forced me to.

I’m really sorry han.

:’(

2007-04-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 5 idiosyncrasies as well as clearly state this rule. After you state your 5 weirdness-es, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their multiply id (or anything equivalent) at the bottom of your blog. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you’re tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog for information as to what it means.

1.I tend to have this habit of covering my face with pillow whenever I sleep. I cant sleep without that extra pillow, cause yes, apparently I’m such a scaredy cat. Takot seh. Maner tahu mlm2 bute ader shadows lurking around. eeeeeee

2.I’am a bit of trypanophobia, which in simple term means phobia of injections and needles. Well, im afraid of bloods and operations to be exact. I will freak out whenever I see bloods, bloody injuries and medical procedures. My bulu roma will go up and I will feel like fainting =/

3.This weirdness only happens when I’m out with my bf. Whenever a cute girl walks past, I will stop whatever I’m doing and look at my bf, just to see his reactions. Whether or not he will stare at her or look away. Heh. I didn’t realize that I have this “weirdness” until he told me himself. But I cant help it lah han. I’m very jealous, you know. Haha.

4.I’m a sucker when it comes to acoustic guitars and acoustic emo/love songs. Play tears in heaven the acoustic version for me, and I swear I will love you forever.

5.I can forgive but can never forget. Try as much as I want, but I can’t seem to forget the past. I think I need some liquefied delete-ter to delete all my past and bad memories. It will make life easier for me seh..

I’m tagging anyone whose reading this.

2007-04-02T14:01:00.000+08:00

So what happens once you lose control?

When the future has to start

What happens when you're still in love

But time rips you apart?

Is there ever an answer

For when love is not enough?

When the world must move on

Who decided that I'd be that tough?

2007-04-01T13:03:00.000+08:00

Girl : you called?

Boy: yes

Girl: Ah. U ok? Anything wrong?

Boy: I missed you too much

Girl: Why the sudden feeling?

Boy: I dunno

Girl: Will it help to decrease that feeling if I say I miss you too?

Boy: I think so.

Girl: ………..

is this part of your game, or do you really miss me?

2007-03-31T22:16:00.000+08:00

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect.

HeartThere was not a mark or a flaw in it.Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen.

The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine."The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly ... but full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in ... but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people starred ... how could he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine ... mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking ... but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love .....I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them ... and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart ... but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away ... and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges ... giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too ... and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting.

So now do you see what true beauty is?

"The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart.It fit .... but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

2007-03-30T12:43:00.000+08:00

Love is real, real is love

Love is feeling, feeling love

Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love

Love is reaching, reaching love

Love is asking to be loved

Love is you

You and me

Love is knowing

We can be

Love is free,free is love

Love is living, living love

Love is needing to be loved

2007-03-29T11:12:00.001+08:00

I don’t know what is wrong with me. My mood swings have been more than constant. I get easily pissed off, even at the slightest things. And damn it, I’m starting to get jealous easily. If you know me well, it’s not in my nature to get jealous easily. Even when I’m jealous at something/ someone, I tend to hide it all by playing pretend that I am not. I don’t show my jealousy at all. But things are changing. My jealousy rate is increasing. My mood swings are increasing so rapidly that I’m losing control of my own emotions. I’m going crazy. Or perhaps, I’m plain crazy?

Speaking of which, changes. Farhan have heard me talk about this lots of time. So much so that I think he’s beginning to get sick and tired of me. Sorry yang. Its just that I love talking random. And that you happen to be the only one whose very willing to talk random with me. Sorry.

I hate changes. I abhor changes. I dread changes. Why in the world do we have to undergo changes? Yes yes. I know changes are inevitable. It happens all the time. Blah blah blah. Change of clothings. Change songs in our mp3. I don’t hate these kinds of changes. I hate it when people change. How their feelings tends to change overtime. How loving and warm someone could be at one time, and cold and hard the next. Seriously. I don’t like changes. But at the same time, I like changes. I’m contradicting myself isnti? Oh what can I say, I’m the queen of contradictions. Every single word I say contradicts each other. URGH.

But one thing shall remain the same, after all this while; it’s you I still love.

2007-03-28T17:03:00.000+08:00

We've been cutting it close with the backwards & forwards

It's rocking the boat; we gotta get control of this

Let's take it back to ~~three years ago~~ six months ago

When you said that we could make it through whatever, ever

And to me it sounded like you meant forever, ever

Leaving was not an option, baby, never, never

Now don't you believe in a love that's worth a fight

In you is everything that I'm missing

So give us a chance...

Don't you dare tell me we gotta let it go?

We been on top for too long just to let it go under

I don't wanna hear that I just can't hear that and know

Wherever you wanna take me I'll go

I been with you for too long to start over with another

I know that you hear me

Just tell me you hear me ..

2007-03-27T19:29:00.000+08:00

Seem to stop my breath

My head on your chest

Waiting to cave in

From the bottom of my

Hear your voice again

Could we dim the sun

And wonder where we've been

Maybe you and me

So kiss me like you did

My heart stopped beating

Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)

In your eyes

I lost my place

Could stay a while

And I'm melting

In your eyes

Like my first time

That I caught fire

Just stay with me

Lay with me

Now

Never caught my breath

Every second I'm without you I'm a mess

Even though each other

Trust these words are stowed

My cuts are healing

Learning how to love

pls God, dont let this love fade

:'(

2007-03-15T22:52:00.001+08:00

Alahhhhhhh

I just found that my favourite-est band have called it quits.

Alahhhhhh..
“Parts my hair emo-like and starts to strum the guitar, whilst sumbang-ly sing along to tiger lily”

:(

2007-03-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

Results are out and its official, I m a telecommunication student as of now. As for my results, seriously speaking, I flung badly actually. My GPA dropped by 0.2. My marks are mostly Bs, Cs and one D. That really shows how much I’ve been slacking last semester eh? But im still happy though. At least I make it to 2.1. So woots, im off to telecom bebeh :)

Then again, I will be separated from my fellow A610s. As of now, all of us are going our separate ways. Some are taking electronics. A few will be taking computer engineering. Hafiidz will be going to microelectronics. Whereas for me, yep, Im the only one whose going to telecom.

One year. We’ve been a class for only one year, but I’ve come to be closely attached to them. From that infamous “scandal” to “mich and Gordon constant squabbling, to zhen chong’s non-stop yak-yak to you-know-who hair-raising lesbian acts, I remember it all vividly.

I remember the first day at school, me and mich became instant good friends. Even though I’ve never met her before, we just clicked. We even held each others arms while walking. And mind you, its only the first day of school And hah, our sudden closeness raise many eyebrows, cause hehe, many thought we’re lesbians. But no. We’re not. We’re straight. .

And ourh. That scandal thingy. Haha. Both Eden and me apparently became part time scandals. Just because I watched just my luck with him, alone, without max and co. I m to blame actually cause I accidentally blurt it out. Sorry lah Eden, I was seriously stoning that day. Don’t know what I was saying. From that day onwards, we became the class joke. Anything that had got to do with Eden, it’s for sure that there will be my name. Vise versa. Hahahaha.

And yes, our class is very well known for our vulgarities. And the credit goes to none other than *claps2* Max. haha. He started it all. He managed to influence the whole class by constantly saying “fuck”, “stone (while intentionally drops his phone on the ground)” , and the most recent vulgarities of all “kuanimang”. Don’t ask me what’s the meaning of that word because he invented that word himself. Heh. And Gordon became his faithful sidekick. Sticking to Max 24/7. heh.

Hafiidz , Erwin and Jup became my new found buddies. I wasn’t close to them until late last sem. They’re the lamest and the crappiest yet the funniest bunch of people I’ve ever met. And yes. Being the only ~~girl~~ lady in this group, I’ve become victim of their constant bullying. Especially Jup. This guys ah. Seriously ah. Everyday carik pasal. Imagine ah. Whenever I put my picture on my msn, he will say that I act cute. OKkaaaaaaeeee. So not wanting to menyaketkan his mater, I do him a favor by not putting it. Then, when I did not put my pict, he will ask me to put it on back. terok kan? Slalu u know. Tsk tsk. heh. No grudges eh jup? Luckily for me, both Erwin and Fiidz spared me from their bullies. Erwin became my emo buddy. And Hafiidz became my f.o.c counselor. Heh. gerek eh?

Heh.

Seriously speaking, if I were to go on, this blog post will never end. So with that, I will end this post by posting a few our pictures.

Ps: Mich, max, gordie, hafiidz, Erwin and yes you, jup, if you guys are reading this, im going to miss you all badly. Forget me not eh?

2007-03-13T13:49:00.001+08:00

Lately Farhan have been unselfish when it comes to showering with love. No. I am saying that he’s been neglecting me all these while. It’s just that the way he showers me with his love lately, is exceptionally stronger than before. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bragging neither am I complaining. It’s just that, there’s this tiny little voice in me which question all of these. Is he doing all this out of sincerity or is he doing all this to reassure himself? The latter question is not just a random question, mind you. It’s been bugging my mind ever since that significant day. I refused to fully elaborate what happened that day because god knows, who is reading my blog right now. So let’s just say, I deserve to get a pat on my back cause I’ve finally get the hang of crying silently.

Then again, I seriously don’t think I can live properly just yet. Not when the people around me is still clinging on to their past. Seriously lah. I am sick and tired of all this. If I can let go of Haiqal, why cant you forget him? And for goodness sake, out of all the many guys in this world, why must you fall for him? He’s been in your life for like what, a week? And you’re already fall for him? That really shows how vulnerable you are when it comes to finding love isn’t it?

Look. You’re pretty, babe. It’s without a doubt easy that it will be easy for you to find a much better guy than him. So please. Let me have my share of happiness. All my life, i have never love a guy as much as i love him right now. I really cant go another day without him. So please?

And just to let you know, I am not a fighter. I tend to give up on things easily. Even though that thing really means a lot to me, I will force myself to let go of it. Same goes here, if he really means the world to you. You can have him. Im not fighting.

2007-03-10T08:52:00.000+08:00

weird dream.

really weird dream.

anyway, morning people :)

2007-03-09T11:33:00.000+08:00

If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, et cetera).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...because you're not.

Opening Credits:
Drops of Jupiter- train
(good song for an opening?)

Waking Up:
last night- The Strokes
(The title of this song itself makes sense lah eh? so yep, perfect fitting.)

First Day At School:
unfaithful- Rihanna
(No link at all. Haha)

Fight Song:
the engine driver- The Decemberist
(“And if you don't love me let me go...”. heh. fits perfectly)

Breaking Up:
It’s not over- Chris Daughtry.
(well its jolly well over for me.)

Prom:
Greatest story ever told- Oliver James
(“Thank you for this moment. I've gotta say how beautiful you are…” Mere coincidence but suits that prom feeling)

Life:
Littlest thing- Lily Allen
(perfect fitting I guess.)

Mental Breakdown:
Only one- Yellowcard
(hmmmmm…..)

Driving:
Be my escape- Relient K
(hmm again..)

Flashback:
All or nothing- O Town
(Ahah. PERFECT FITTING. Reminds me of elias. Its all or nothing. All or nothing.)

Wedding:
Promise- Matchbook Romance
(it’s a rather sad song for a wedding. So nope. No link I guess)

Birth Of Child:
Karma- Cokelat
(haha. No link again)

Final Battle:
Misery loves company- unknown
(“Now who’s the judge? What’s my crime? Ain’t no sentence, but I’m still doing time.” haha. Really suits that fighting feeling eh?)

Death Scene:
Superman- Five for fighting
(“Even heroes have the right to bleed…” bleed= blood; blood= death??)

Funeral Song:
Untukmu- sung by Shahrin (Haiqal’s friend), written by Haiqal, himself
(No comment. Really.)

A Look Back On Your Life:
vulnerable- secondhand serenade
(I was really vulnerable then. Often fall for the same old trap. And thus, I ended up becoming the victim of life and choices. So yep. Perfect fitting yet again)

Ending Credits:
the last goodbye- James Morrison
( haha. The title of this song says it all)

So that does it. Im bored to the max.

Oklah bye.

2007-03-08T19:42:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole of today out with her. Nk feeling2 jadik mak lah katerkan. Besides I wanted to do some sisterly bonding with her. Its been awhile since I actually hug and kiss-kiss her. Tell me lah. How to hug her when she is constantly running around the house? Despite the fact that im way older than her, I don’t have that much energy to catch up with her. And ourh, she damn hyper I tell you. When she’s not running around the house, she will take my guitar and strum it like nobody’s business. And heh, she have her baby-pms days too. At times, I will catch her sitting at one corner, staring blankly at her passerby (read: her family members). Ish. Is it just me or do I have this strong feeling that she will grow up to become an emo kid?. I wonder where she get her traits from? Lalalala.

And ourh, IF, I do manage to catch up with her, I will give her my famous sloppy wet kisses. Hah. Her reaction is really priceless. She will go ewwww-wy all over, kesat2 her cheeks, give me her that classic sememek-yet really innocently cute look and go back to her daily chores- running around the house that is. Haha. Cute right?

2007-03-07T23:36:00.001+08:00

I don't cry anymore
I walk out the door
And I usually keep on walking

2007-03-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

I never even stopped to wonder why
I would do anything
I would give everything

to be your everything.

2007-03-02T23:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I can’t help it but to wish to miraculously bump into you one fine day. I know the chances of us bumping into each other is close to nil, but then when there’s a dream, there will always be hope right ? Don’t get me wrong, Im over you already. You see. By bumping into you, I can finally show you how much of a lady I have become. I can finally prove to you that by deleting you off my contact list, I’ve indeed made the right decision. What im now completely differs to what I am then. All thanks to your hypocrisy and false hope, I am much stronger now. I have learned to see the fine line between realities and pretend. I no longer fall guitar serenades, sweet talking and crocodile tears. And ourh, all thanks to you, ive finally know how to differentiate between love and sympathy. Yes my sympathy, my dear ex. *smug*

On a much sweeter note, today was really a sweet day. A trip to vivo with him really made my day. From the heart-tugging movie to that err “ to-buy-or-not-to buy fight” in Candy Empire, I really enjoyed every single moment with him. Hopefully my attempt to keep his mind of his exams, works. Not that I did something special or what. But still. You know. My lame-nest and err clumsiness really do wonders. And ourh, haven’t you heard, my lame-nest level is maximizing right now. I have no idea why, but seriously, I myself am shocked to see how lame I’ve become. Ah. Credits go to non-other than my bf of cause. He’s passing his traits to me and without realizing it, im passing my traits to him. Believe it or not, he’s copy-catting (no such word, I know) my smile. Hah. Copyright lah wokae?? haha

2007-02-28T20:35:00.000+08:00

Whatever happened just now, I will just let it be.
Whatever you said just now, I wont take it to hard..
Cause I know you’re under lots of stress right now,
And I know im not a big help at all.
With that, im sorry for making things worse.
I love you still.

2007-02-28T16:45:00.001+08:00

Funny how these people keep on sending me friend requests and messages on friendster. They think that im still into this emo shit stuff. Al-maklom lah, majority of my pictures there are outdated ones. You know, without the scarf all that. Yah yah. Now that im no longer into that kind of stuffs, I just made my “biggest” sacrifices of all- deleting all but one of my pictures in friendster. And then put one on my recent tak-cute langsong(sp?) picture. Hah. Now I bet the number of people, deleting me off his/her friend’s list will drop rapidly. Bleah. Korang nak delete, delete lah. Aku pon tak heran. Hohoho.
Anyway, its official, exams are finally over. Not that I’ve been mugging all night long, but still, Im so free right now. no more binary codes. No more too toot formulas to memorise. Yessar. Life is so good. Well, For now at least. Bleah.

2007-02-26T20:04:00.000+08:00

As of now, I am very proud to say that we’re as strong as ever.
Happy 5 mths, love.

You're still my 0nly one.

2007-02-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you.

PS: I love you, sweetheart.

2007-02-19T15:40:00.000+08:00

I’ve been wanting to update this blog since like yesterday, but cant do so cause apparently, this blogger (or it just my blog??) decided to go on strike. Pfft. So pardon me if my blog is very much incomplete right now.

So as I was saying on my previous post, I was still contemplating whether or not should I say what I really wanted to say. But on a second thought, I decided to forgo the idea cause’ I doubt it will do me any good. Besides, im not seeking revenge of any sort, so what’s the point of me saying hurtful things here right? Maybe one day, when the situation really gets out of hand, I will say it all here. But no, not now. Well, not yet, at least.

On random note, I just found out that Britney Spears had recently shaved all of her hair. Freaky but true. But then again, I fully applaud Britney for this over-zealous and very much ruthless act. Seriously. By shaving all of her hair, she’s actually cleaning herself up. Its like as if she wants to renew her life back. Start from square one, you get what I mean? HAH. So much for hating psychology eh? Oh well, back to mugging people. Take care.

2007-02-18T14:14:00.000+08:00

There’s just so much things to say right now.
But I just cant find the right words to say.

There’s just so much things to say right now.
But I don’t have the courage and the esteem to say It all here.
Tell me.
Should I just say it all or should I just keep my mouth shut?

2007-02-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way.

I know its a little too late for me to wish you this, but Happy Valentine's day, dear mister valentine.

2007-02-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

Life has been nothing but a turmoil this at late. People are just so full of sarcasm. They seriously cant keep their mouth shut. Every other day, there will always be ruthless comments, whether its made on purpose or not. I have to admit, as much as I hate it, I am that sort of person who can be easily offended. Even the slightest insult will hurt me. Pathetic I know. Whatever it is, I have come to learn that, in order to survive this world, I have to learn to hide my emotions. So from now on, I will only show my emotions to those who really care.

And ourh, just to let you guys know, what I am in really life, is seriously a big contradiction to what I am in this blogging world. What I post inside this blog is what I really feel inside. So don’t mind if my blog post tends to get too emotional/ sarcastic/ pathetic at times.

oklah. Enough of ramblings, I seriously need to start revising. Exams are fast approaching and im not even close to being prepare. Hah. So typical of me eh?

P.S: Im still on hiatus though

2007-02-04T14:44:00.000+08:00

To all your friends

You're delirious

So consumed

In all your doom

Trying hard to fill the emptiness

The pieces gone

Left the puzzle undone

Is that the way it is..

2007-02-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

Had my psycho common test just now and boy did I flung it big time. Seriously. I cant seem to understand a single shit. Most of the questions there was, urgh, so unpredictable. It’s a complete opposite of what the common test is like a year ago. Tsk.
Now that I have flung my psycho paper, hopefully my project and those online quizzes will help me pass lah eh? I dont want to fail my first cds you know.

P.S: No mum, im not anorexic -_-"""""

2007-02-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

I'll never let you go if you promise not to fade away.

2007-02-01T16:04:00.000+08:00

and the world keeps on spinning.
and i mean literally spinning. AHHHH. Im having a major headache right now. Lack of sleep i guess. Psycho common test is this saturday and im not even close to ready. shit lah

2007-01-29T00:21:00.001+08:00

Don’t mind my previous entry. I was too pissed of to even care about my language. Pfft.
Oh well. Guess who back??

Hint2: His new idenity- Black. Wahaha. Apeseh pali. Tak original langsong:P

2007-01-28T17:21:00.001+08:00

Seriously lah. For goodness sake, stop it with that minah tudung song. Fcuking irritating can? Im fully aware that im one of them. I wear tight clothings, do stuffs which are not supposed to do, hold hands in public. Yuh so? Im a bitch. So screw me.

Im so pissed off right now. For all I care I can kill him (the one who invent this song tht is). Ugh. Why do people nowadays have to judge us by the way we dress? Shit lah. Have you all people out there given us, tudung wearers, a second thought? Its already bad enough for us tudung wearer to have almost ¾ of our freedom cut off. Now you guys want to take our last ¼ of our freedom? Shit lah. I have lots of stuffs to stay right this instance. But heck. I simply refused to say it here. I don’t want to get myself in deeper shit.

Whatever lah eh.

p.s: Im going to hell for saying this, I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Fuck.

2007-01-26T20:28:00.000+08:00

If only I can take back those words.

urgh.

I hate myself.

Somebody slap me please.

2007-01-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

And I see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors and thats why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors, true colors,

True colors, are shining through..

2007-01-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

Past lessons has taught me that most of the people whom I (used to) know never mean in when they say “ if you need help, just call me”. You know that kind of phrases? They merely said that just for the sake of saying it. They don’t really mean it. Seriously. Thus, because of that, I don’t really like to talk to people whenever im down. I prefer to keep things to myself. Though its killing me inside, I thought things were better off this way.

But I thought wrong, the more I keep things to myself, the more miserable I will be. All those hatred and sadness, will all be compound together forming this big miserable lump in my heart. The more I keep things to myself, the bigger the lump will be. And when my heart could no longer withstand this big lump of pure miserable, I will break down.

That’s what happened to me last night. I broke down. For some reason, I just couldn’t stop crying. Everything just seems so sad. Whatever I did, just hurt.

But everything is ok now. Thanks to those who care, I manage to ‘survive’ this ordeal. And thus im back, I guess. :)

p.s: you were a great help azm. thnks eh :)

double p.s: True colours. Reassuring words. Comforting hugs. And lots and lots of love. That is more than I could ever ask for. Thanks love for everything. You know I love you right?

2007-01-23T21:23:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
when my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows..

Nobody likes

Nobody likes to lose their inner voice

The one I used to hear before my life

Made a choice

But I think nobody knows

No no

Nobody knows

No..

Dear god. Please give me the strenght to carry on with this life. Pls God.

2007-01-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

I don't want to speak these words
'cause I, i don't want to make things any worse.

Sometimes, I just wish I can hide under this blanket forever. Safe and very much oblivious of what is happening around me. Under this safe hiding of mine, I wont be able to see how unruly the world has become. I wont be able to see how people, heartlessly, judge people by the way they look. Without giving a second thought on how the person is inside. Wouldn’t it be nice if I can stay under this blanket forever? I will be literally blinded by this things call perfectionism. Nice isnt it?

Well, yes I know. Under this blanket, though im blinded, I still can hear what is happening around me. I can still hear those ugly and very much frightening words. But heck, im hiding under this blanket right?. No one will be able to the tears of hurts which, voluntarily will be running down my check. Sigh. Wouldnt it be nice?

2007-01-21T20:57:00.000+08:00

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashambed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before ..

I love u blob blob :)

2007-01-20T15:16:00.001+08:00

Dont mind my previous post. I was seriously emo that day. Thus the emoish post. Hah.

Nvm.

So yep. What have I been up to this past few days?.
Nothing much actually. All thanks to these freaking acne(shit!), I spent most of my free time at home rather than going out. This way, people wont be able to see my freaking ugly face. Tsk.

And yuh, I just realize that quizzes and exams are drawing near. I know im slow, tyvm. In a week time, I will be having my quizzes. And then a few weeks later, it will already be my main exam. Gosh. Time really flies when youre having 'fun'. *rolls eyes*

Ok uh. I better get going now. lots of assignments and projects to complete. I still need to complete my psycho online quiz. Hah. I just did one just now and I fail badly. Hoho. Tsk. I seriously need to start revising already. I don’t want to repeat another semester u know.

2007-01-17T00:36:00.000+08:00

Now all those feelings,
those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away
for today is on my mind..

its been almost one year now.
But those sweet memories still haunts me..

2007-01-16T21:29:00.000+08:00

Urgh, I m having a major ~~pimple~~ acne outbreak right now. For dunno what reason, a lot of big blops of acne begin to appear on my face. Its not even only one or two acne u know. It’s a lot more. Urgh. And its very VERY disgusting. All thanks these acne, my face is super ugly right now. I don’t even dare to look at myself in the mirror. Going to school is a major dread for me. Its like as if everyone is staring my freaking acne. URGH.

How how? The acne outbreak got so bad that I had no choice but to see my family skin doctor. 130 bucks gone like that. Haiyoo. Hopefully the prescribe medicine will work. If not, I m gonna seriously lock myself up in my room, never to go out until the acne is all gone. Tsk.

To all my fellow friends, stop LOOKING at my face. I know lah my face is infested with acne. But please do me a favor. Please do not look/ stare/ gawk/ curse/ at my freaking face. My self esteem is running low right now, so can you all do me a favor by not making it worse? URGH.

2007-01-14T14:53:00.000+08:00

Skin so cold
I knew you would go away
and now I put you down to lay
With a smile I watch you go..

2007-01-13T23:34:00.001+08:00

The days start off quite bad actually. One of my aunties successfully spoilt my weekend mood by complaining to my mum about my wrong doings. Gosh. I seriously didnt do anything wrong ok. Urgh. Apparently this particular auntie of mine is against me. Shes been finding each and every of my faults every day, ever since I was a kid. And trust me, I cant do anything about it cause I see her face every day. Shes been slacking in my house every day. Takder keje lah katekan. Tsk.

So, back to what I was saying just now. All thanks to both my mum and auntie, I ended up sulking on the bus trip to han' s house. The situation at han's house wasnt much of a help either. Both of us were supposed to go VIVO todae. But it was canceled cause we had to wait for the contractors to come and repair the pipes. By the time they came, we were too lazy to go vivo. We ended up spending our time at his house, her sis was also home too. It wasnt so bad after all. We both managed to catch up some stuff that was left hanging since the day we temporarily broke up. And it was love. Every minute spent just now seems so precious. How I wish everyday will be like this. I will die a happy gf. Hoho

After hours of slacking at his house, we then headed down to compass point. He wanted to buy that die-blo game. lol. Poor han. He ended up smacking his head cause that game was out of stock. Kesian kan?. And guess what, I finally gotten myself a job. But its not confirm yet.. Will elaborate more about it when everything is confirm aite?

p.s: Hah. Its official. I am down with a freaking flu. My temperature is high despite the fact that im freezing cold right now. And my throat is, *scratch2*, super itchy lah can?. But im not complaining ya’all. Cause, heh, my voice sounds sexier now. Wahaha

double p.s: I love you han. :)

2007-01-12T20:11:00.000+08:00

Guys,do u realize that the girl who is holding onto u now is PERFECT in her own special way?

The way she laughs..
The way she sulks..
The way she smiles..
The way she cries..
The way she thinks of you..The way she tries to please you...
The way she sacrifices for you..
The way she wants to understand you..

Always remember that.She can always get up and walk away, getting someone else who can loves her more. There might be someone out there. Who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now, fulfill her every needs and loves her as much as she loves you. Or maybe loves her more than she loves you. But definitely lovin her more than u do. For all you know, theres already might be someone out there wooing her, be it f rom a distance or as a gentleman. But she is rejecting, coz she believes in perfect love. For whom she will share her joys n tears together. For whom she will promise to be faithful. For whom she will commit herself into you. To her,you're her perfect love. Understand that. Guys, you might be thinking that the love is fading. You cant find the freshness between the two of you. Everything is stale to you now. Everywhere seems the same to you. You said "been there done that".

So u went n look for another. Imagine this. Behind her back, you are hugging and kissing another girl. When you see her today,u do the same. But you still see love in her eyes. While others are just some flings. Do you feel the hurt? Can you feel the guilt? For you must know. Every new thing brings an excitement to us. Only to find the boredom n sick of it after we are being so used together.She might not be feeling the hurts now,coz she won't know. She might be feeling something's not right,coz she can sense but shes still holding on to you,not becoz she's stupid,not becoz she's dumb,not becoz she's a fool..but bcoz..she believes u will not break her full-hearted heart..she believes u will not let her tears flow..she believes u will keep your promises..she believes this is love!She loves you not because you are pleasant looking,sweet talker,or that you have 5cs..She loves you for who you are. She was born here imperfect. Everyone does!Only what she wants from u is almost perfect!and she knows she can't do it alone...it needs two hands to clap...

Guys,For her, being the up most girlfriend is to endure your every moves,your every mood swings, your every words and actions. Even dealing with the most unbearable pain she will bear it for your sake but once she knows that the time is up, she will leave you with the most unforgettable painful memories u both had,from the sweetest to the very last moment she had to leave,bcoz of ur doings.

Guys.Cherish and appreciate your girl. Don't break her fragile heart. She is the only one who can loves you this way. You won't wanna regret letting go of that special girl you have. For everything she has done for you, the least you can do is to give her unconditional love as she has given to you coz u should know, her love and sacrifice doesn't mean forever,when she had finally realised you don't worth her love, she will leave u for the one who well-deserved her love. Guys,dun ever leave the one u love, for the one u like coz one day the one u like will leave u,for the one they love...

2007-01-12T14:15:00.001+08:00

should i stay or should i just go?

cause' truthfully speaking

i really think that i should just

go.

2007-01-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both

2007-01-11T21:22:00.000+08:00

Dearest friend.

I am sorry if I wasnt a big help to you just now. I seriously dont know how to help you solve your problem. You see. The more I try to think of ways to help you out, the more Im beginning to hate you. I cant help it but to look at you in disgust. Your sick attitude towards girls feelings and heart proves to me that youre just like the other typical ~~MATS~~ guys. You take girls as if they are lifeless dolls. Play it and then dumped them the next. Tsk.

Besides, I dont want to get myself stuck in your turmoil of confusion. And no. I m not being selfish here. Trust me. Its for our own good. For the both of us, especially me, to move on, I think we should really learn to stand on our own feet. We have been depending on each other for far too long. I guess now is the right time to let go of 'us'. I can no longer be your output and you can no longer be mine. You know what I mean right?

Whatever it is, I wish you all the best in trying to solve your problem. No one can help you in this. Its all up to you. You know whats best for yourself. And more thing, please dont make any hasty decisions. Think it thoroughly before making one. You dont want history to repeat itself wouldnt you?

2007-01-08T19:08:00.000+08:00

Happy B'dae to you..

Happy B'dae to you

Happy b'dae to "NUR NUR"

Happy B'dae to you..

2007-01-08T17:55:00.000+08:00

I have a latest obsession right now.

Jogging.

Yes jogging.

I dont know about you guys, but jogging seems to be the greatest form of stress reliever.. While jogging, I am oblivious of my surroundings. Especially when the mp3 is set to full blast, its like as if Im in the world of my own. I can just let my mind wander off. Thinking about my past, what happening in the present and what I ought/ want to do in the future.

Whenever I feel fcuked up or simply tired of my life, I will grab my running shoes and head down to the nearest park. There I will run and run like nobodys business. Then after a few rounds, I will feel "cured". Though the pain is still there, it has somehow been lifted.

Sigh.

I have no idea why am I posting this. Cause' this post proves to be pointless.

2007-01-05T23:05:00.001+08:00

Words will bring me down..

2007-01-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

Its been one heck of a day for me. I think that just today alone, I have lost quite a number of kilos. All thanks to all the running, sweating and the mind- draining experience. Woohoo. If I continue on doing this everyday, I will be able to shed of those excess weights in no time. *grins*

Heh. So as I was saying just now, its been one heck of a day for me. The day starts with me going to school. Since its Friday, I only got 2 lectures and java lesson today. EMATHS2 lecture was seriously a bummer. I couldn’t understand a single thing cause apparently the lecturer was “talking to herself”. Serious. Majority of those lecture mates were like stoning and staring blankly at the screen. Hah. I was no exception. I was practically yawning throughout the lecture. Hafiidz kept asking me whether I understand what she was saying or not. I gave him that no-i-dont-undestand-a-single-shit look. Lol. Sorry fiidz. Yep thats how bad the lesson was. Hahaha. See lah. How can I pass like that?

Then after lunch, we met up with Hafiidz, Zhen Chong and Erwin for that pirate’s treasure hunt thingy. I didn’t that expect that treasure hunt thingy to be that tiring. I thought it was just like your typical treasure hunt, search for clues, look for hints etc etc. I was SO WRONG. It was NOWHERE near it.

You see, we were given this page full of photos of the things that we need to find and another page full of tasks to complete. And mind you, it was no ordinary task. Imagine lah. One of the task requires us do act like we’re ducks and then quack quack all the way up the ramp at engine school there. Wa lau eh. Damn paiseh I tell you. Since we had no other choice, we had to do it. We quacked quacked all the way up the ramp- all of us were laughing our heads off. HAHAHA. That wasn’t only it. We were told to do a round of CHICKY DANCE for 20s, 80 JUMPING JACKS, 50 PUSH UPS, 20 BIRDPIECE (sp?), sing school song ALOUD and do the red-indian dance for 20s- we did all that right there at engine school. Passersby were of cause staring at us. But who cares about them. We were having soo much fun to give a damn. Wahaha.

After completing all of the tasks, we went in search for the hidden things. It was not easy cause the hidden things were hidden all over TP. Due to the time limit, instead of walking, we were all RUNNING! From business school to Design school. Then from mensa to short circuit then to that Koi Pond area. And then run back to TCC. Wah kor. Its even worse than running 2.4 wokae. To make matters worse all of us were wearing jeans. HAHAHA. But I guess all those running were paid off cause we won the third place. Not the first prize but still woohoo. No amount of prize can replace the amount of fun we had just now. :)

2007-01-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

So Goodnight, goodnight

Walk away from the door

Walk away from my life

So goodnight..

2007-01-03T20:46:00.000+08:00

Wow. For some reasons, I feel rejuvenated right now.
Serious. As most of you can tell. I have been holding on to my past for quite
awhile. No matter how hard I tried to erase them, I just cant remove them. Its
like as if its stuck in my head for like forever. And yes I know, due to all
this, ive been making my life a living hell.

But now. EVERYTHINGS GONNA CHANGE. Im going to forget the past and this time its for good. Whether you bygones like it or not, im moving on. No more holding one to my fcuked up past. Hah.
Some people may ask, why the sudden big change?. Hmm well. I was reading one of friends recent post. Though, she didnt say it directly, I can tell that shes talking about me (points finger at myself). In her post, shes "telling" me that some things in life just are not meant to be said to the other half etc etc. This makes me realize how gundu I have been all this while. So, im gonna do you all a favor by not contacting with that good friend of mine. I know its going be hard, but heck, I will give it a try. I seriously think that I need a wake up call and I guess now its the right time to do so. And ourh yarh, im keeping things to myself from now on. Just dont ask me why.

P.S: You know who you are right? Thanks a lot yuh. Remind me to blanje you Ice cream the next time we meet.:)

2007-01-02T16:19:00.000+08:00

Was tagged by julie to do this randomQA. Since i got nothing to do right now, i should just do this lah eh. heh

your name plus "poo" ;
Radhiyahpoo..lol

two feelings at the moment ;
bored and sleepy

wat are u listenin to rite now ;
yesterdays feelings- t.b.s

A part of a song lyric that is in ur mind ;
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

the highlight of ur week ;
none. School starting tom. *bummer*

wat are u craving to have rite now ;
long john silverrrrr..

unforgettable childhood memory ;
maen 'kahwin2' ngan batman. haha. those were the days.

not so good memories;
theres one but i rather not say it here. just the thought itself makes me sick.

what are ur nicknames ;
rad, radi, radh, yang, along(dun laugh lah, not funny wokae)

your 3 planz for tomorrow ;
school, school, school. tsk.

are you tinking of sumone now ;
uhuh.

are u single;
nope.

what do u want ;
i want to sleep can?

say aniting u wan to whoever is reading ur blog ;
er hi?

are u feelin hungry ;
yuh. But im on diet luhhhhh

who are u missin rite now ;
han han :)

last fren you talked to online ;
scar

what do you like about the nite ;
tranquility. ah. can emo2.

what would u like to see ;
miracles.

what would u wan to be till now ;
designer.

last gift ;
a suprise kiss from that special someone.

do u like it ;
er. no comment liao.

do u play an instrument ;
angklung can?

wat song did u last hear ;
everthing hurts- dashboard confessionals.

people u hate most ;
no one, i think.

who makes you laugh the most ;
my love ones :)

what makes you smile;
babies. heh.

who do u have a crush on;
Adam Lazzara and ELMO!!!

name 6 ppl to do this;
liyana, mamat, nisa, adib, azlin, azm

2007-01-02T03:17:00.000+08:00

"after that we went to the arcade to play 2 games
one air hockey and racing cause somebody win me last match
due to (created her own self) malfunction so i park my car one coner and help her out
just to find out theres nth wrong and she speed pass me and never let me catch up
eeeee... so the second time around we race and i win her fair and square well not actually fair cause somebody keep banging into me but ended up crash with the wall hahah and thus her lost haha then have enought time to beat me while driving and after words seh and she call herself "professional loser" lol so end up the air hockey we didnt play cause we knoe whos gonna win hahaha"

-the above excerpt is taken from farhan's blog.

HMPH..

Fine fine. I have no the other choice but to admit that i SUCK big time when it comes to playing Daytona. But you know han, you only win me by a mere 3-5 seconds. This shows that im not that bad after all. Besides, Im a girl and you are a boy. Boys are supposed to chase cars whereas for us girls, we are supposed to chase boys with cars. Not the other way round u know. Hohoho.

Anyway, everything was oh-so perfect just now. Despite the scorching weather and the 'professional loser' thingy, everything was LOVE. From woodlands to Bishan. Then from Bishan to Pasir Ris, every second spent with you was a memorable one. I especially adore the part where we talked at Pasir Ris Park there. You know. Just talk. Without any disturbance etc. More of this trips and trust me han, my love for you will be one whole again. :)

2007-01-02T02:44:00.000+08:00

Since today is officially the beginning of a new year, im gonna start posting happy happy thoughts on my blog. You know. Just like old times. Except that now is no longer the old times. Its the beginning of the new times u know. A new time means that we should forget the old times and prepare ourselves for the new times. So in order for me to prepare myself for the new times, I really should stop my crap cause seriously, im not making any sense at all. Hah.

Alah. In short, my blog will change for the better luh. No more emo2 post. I promise. But heck, promises are meant to broken right?

2006-12-31T14:30:00.001+08:00

that is just so you
coming back when ive finally moved on..

2006-12-31T11:37:00.000+08:00

2006 has been one hell of a BITTERSWEET year for me. Lots of tears have been shed. Lots of laughter has been laughed. But mostly lots of sad events have been happening this year. Let me just summarise the whole year for you guys lah eh. Hmmm.

First half of the year:

- Officially graduated from BNSS. Woohoo!

- Met Haiqal

- Had a major tiff with him and we ended up going our separate ways :(

- Found elias!! And ourh hes my best friend btw. hoho

- Got back my O level results. I did quite badly, tyvm

- Joined TP as a fully-pledged engineering student. Cheh cheh. Lol

- Joined NADI, and yarh, thanks eh mamat n farhan, the water bomb incident will be deeply missed by me. NOT. lol

- I turned into an emo freak lah can?

Second half of the year:

- A new look, alhamdulilah. :)

- I have finally learned the fact that we should let go of the past, love the present and embrace the future. Things are better off this way.

- Met Farhan. And we are inseparable ever since :)

- My grandfather passed away :(

- Found the true meaning of friendships. Thanks Azm, Julie and Elias. You guys are simply the best :)

- And Im in love. wooohooo

So yep, thats mainly it. Actually theres more but some things are best left untold. 2006 is seriously one of my darkest year. There were some many dark days that at times, I really felt like giving up. But all thanks to those who care and love me, im still standing strong right now. What happened back then, its all in the past. I will take it as a life lesson and learn from it.

Goodbye 2006 and hello 2007.:)

2006-12-30T18:42:00.000+08:00

Have you ever love someone but only to him/ her let go?

Have you?

2006-12-29T15:21:00.000+08:00

In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while...

2006-12-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

Why is it that each time, when im just to start embracing my life, something or someone, whether its intended or not, will try to pull me down? Whether its the way the say it oe the way they show it to me. Its like as if that something or that someone is refraining me from achieving my happiness. Seriously. This is not the first time I am stuck in this kind of situation. Ive been through it quite a number of times. Lightning never strikes twice azm, so this couldnt be just mere coincidence. Sigh. I dunno lah. Its true when they say that the world is a cruel place. Only the fittest and the strongest will survive. Im neither strong emotionally nor am I strong physically. So tell me guys, how can I survive in this world?

2006-12-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

We had our problems

And almost lost each other

But even if we did

We would never forget each other..

Not long before, I gave up on us. My fear of not being the "one" for you got the better of me. My lack of emotional strength and the ability to love you like before, leads me to doing all that. I was falling again then. Without me realizing it, I was letting myself fall into the trap that I was once in. Back then, no one volunteered to save me. No one even bothered to lend me a helping hand, so that I can climb back out of the trap that I was falling in.

But this time, its different. While I was in the midst of falling, you catch me, just in the nick of time. You didnt let me fall. Instead, you held me close and told me that "I will only let you go if you tell me that youre no longer love me". As kinky as it sounds, those words made me realise how much I needed you in my heart.

Yes. These past few months werent easy for us. The existence of those unwanted ones and some other inevitable problems make it hard for us to be as strong as we are before. Like a newly grown tree which was struck by a strong wind. Our relationship was so shaken by the impact that we felt like giving up. But we stayed strong. Or at least you stayed strong. I already gave up on us.

But after doing some thinking, I decided to let us have our second chance, in hope that we have learnt from our past and take it as a lesson to create new memories of us. Even though we have to go back to square one, I am willing to give us a second try. So I guess the sacrifices Ive made was worth it cause finally we are turning 3 months today. Happy 3 mths love. Heres to more love, laughter and tears. Love you very much.:)